Only watch this video if you're prepared to vomit a bit in your mouth.
Warning: contains the following...
1) Low budget makeup done by Miley herself. Ie. no false lashes, just clumped mascara and poorly applied lipstick that resembles the texture of screwed up Glad-Wrap.
2) One outfit supplied by Huggies. Obvi they don't make bras.
3) One outfit supplied by Miley herself - her nekked body which is so wrong to watch as she straddles a wrecking ball like some sort of redneck county fair ride. Note the varying shades of her skin ranging from white to orange. So inconsistent. Much like her music career so far.
4) Miley's veneers are out of control. They need filing down. They don't fit in her stupid mouth.
5) Repeats of the same footage of the wrecking ball breaking through a cement wall as it was only in the budget to film it once. Miley decided to spend the rest of the money on that awesome party from her last video.
Let me break this down for you.
The video begins with Miley's face far too close for comfort. Thank the makeup lords for HD Foundation. She's looking sad. Prepare yourselves - she'll show you all of her emoticons in this tale of one young woman's journey to a local building site to discover her sexuality.
If you're at all squeamish, look away as she fumbles over her nonsensical lyrics. Her fake veneer teeth, installed about 18 months ago, have a hard time staying in her child-gob and there's spittle aplenty.
It's EXHAUSTING work pretending to work, isn't it Miley? She's arrived on site [read: set] and is now packing heat in the form of this phallic sledge hammer. My apologies if I do not describe the utensils of a building site correctly - this is not my area of expertise. Anyway...while M-dawg takes a power nap, let's move on to the next enticing frame.
Many a gangster carries a weapon, but few rarely use it. Will Miley break the law or will she simply sexualise an inanimate object? With direction from Terry Richardson, I am certain she will do both.
She's angry. She can't decide what to do first, but she knows it must be done topless. Tittays are SO 2013.
Top back on, but bra-less of course, Miley raises her rod in anger and strikes a pose so as to say "Uh huh - I work out".
As a lingerie designer, I can safely say on a professional level that Miley is in dire need of a training brassiere.
"Oh hai, wall. You're goin' DOWNNNN"
Was this video styled by Huggies or Depend? There are clues to suggest either. Her briefs are low-rise suggesting youth (Huggies), but in later frames she appears helpless and the fit looks wrinkly (Depend)
Hooker nails applied, Miley's ready for another close-up. She's learning to love that sledge-hammer. Uncle Terry is coaxing her on: "If I get naked, will you get naked? Look. I'll lick the hammer. Now YOU lick the hammer. YOU'RE in control"
Finally that damn wall comes down. It was really starting to annoy Miley and make her feel 'boxed in'.
Speaking of boxes...
Time for a ride on the most powerful item at this building site - the wrecking ball. Her pose is a cross between that of a stripper spinning around her pole and that of a child at a carnival riding the carousel. She's wearing work boots, illustrating she knows how to WERK.
This part goes on for far too long and the video continually flashes back to her swinging around, both clothed and naked. I cannot determine what the message is here.
This is the part where Miley questions this whole charade. Why pretend?
It's LICKING TIME!
Caress some chain.
Miley has her eyes closed in an attempt at imagining it tastes like candy. Uncle Terry instructs her to keep her eyes closed to make it look more 'innocent'. Because I'm sure that's the look she's going for.
Without warning, Miley is naked and straddling the wrecking ball. That poor ball. Don't you feel a deep empathy for that ball?
This next shot makes me wonder if there was a Site Manager on duty that day. Surely this is an Occupational Health and Safety issue? Perhaps Hollywood has their own rules. Maybe this was filmed on a nudist building site. I'm sure Terry managed to find the filthiest building site in LA without lifting a finger.
Miley thinks to herself: "Is this wrong? Is this really the image I want to portray to young girls? Girls who saw me grow up from the Hannah Montana says but still want me to be a role model?"
The answer is: YES.
But where are her nipples? Surely they would be visible from this uncompromising angle?
She's trying to bring sexy back, but it's not working. She looks like a 12-year old boy climbing a rope in gym class and looking around to see if anyone's impressed. They're not.
Whoops - missed a spot!
The aforementioned non-existent styling and beauty budget obviously didn't include fake tan or any attention to detail. That boob is surprisingly whiter than her plastic teeth.
My eyes! I really thought Miley was the topless tanning type. This makes me question how EDGY she really is.
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with NIPPLE.
She's hanging on for dear life. As I am certain no CGI was used in this clip, it really WAS a dangerous situation Miley put herself in. Imagine the chafing!
Ten seconds into watching, I turned the volume down to zero, so I honestly couldn't tell you why she's so upset/angry. Maybe she wants her money back for that cheap-ass manicure? Maybe she's praying to GOD her hair grows back so she doesn't keep getting confused with Bieber.
Thanks Terry. For a split second I forgot you were here. Directing.
"Roll over, Miley. Just your legs. That's the spot. Grab that cement. Look into the lens. Awwww yeah!"
Cute or crass? Depend(s) which way you look at it.
The catering on set was a little too grainy for Miley, who's more used to a liquid lunch. Cue stomach cramps while Terry keeps filming.
It wasn't that long ago that Miley was in the original foetal position. Sometimes she reminisces about her mother's womb, wishing she could go back and start her life over.
The end is nigh, dear readers. Miley's exhausted and so am I.
Thanks again, Terry. You've brought new meaning to the word 'trash'.
In conclusion, I have nothing to conclude.
I'll safely assume my post was not enough warning for you, and post the link to the video below. I would say enjoy, but I'm sure you won't.